Damaged
by xhidden.tearsx
Summary: She hates him for making her feel that way; for making her incapable of loving someone. He damaged her. BL season four slightly AUish. It's not entirely AU but a slight twist of the real events following the brucas S4 breakup.


_We touch I feel a rush_

_We clutch it isn't much_

_But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us_

_It's lust, it's torturous _

_You must be a sorceress 'cause you just_

_Did the impossible_

_Gained my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous_

_If you fuck me over_

_'Cause if I get burnt imma show you what it's like to hurt_

_'Cause I been treated like dirt before you_

_And love is "evol"_

_Spell it backwards I'll show you_

_xxxx_

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to hurt like this. It felt like she was holding onto this relationship for nothing. As they swayed gently to the music, she couldn't help but get the feeling that she was holding onto him for dear life; like he was slowly slipping away from her grasp and she was afraid to let him go. And it made her question their relationship. How could he kiss Peyton? Again. It seemed like he just kept fucking up; every time she thought he'd gained her trust he'd go and burn it; leaving the lingering feeling of a stab in her heart. Because when it all came down to it, Peyton was always going to be there, waiting for him to fall into her arms when life got tough. Sometimes she wondered if she even believed in love anymore. There had been a time when she believed in the immensity and the power of love because she felt that with Lucas. But now she felt like a fucking hypocrite. She had just given a beautiful speech at Nathan and Haley's wedding, stating that they gave her hope that love does exist. But the truth is she doesn't believe in that love. Love is evil; it creates a flame only to torch that flame that once burned so bright in the end. It gives the heart false hope. She knows what it's like to hurt; to feel the pain that she is feeling in the pit of her stomach right now. He'd fucked her over once before and she'd given him another chance because she thought she believed in love. And if he continues to hurt her like this, she's going to show him what it feels like to hurt; to feel the pain that he's constantly inflicting upon her. Because everyone knows that what comes around goes around. Karma's a bitch. And so is love.

* * *

><p><em>Nobody knows me I'm cold<em>

_Walk down this road all alone_

_It's no one's fault but my own_

_It's the path I've chosen to go_

_Frozen as snow I show no emotion whatsoever_

_I've tried in this department but I ain't had no luck with this_

_It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be_

_Like trying to start over_

_I got a hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional rollercoaster_

_Something I won't go on 'til you toy with my emotion, so it's over_

_It's like an explosion every time I hold you, I wasn't joking when I told you_

_You take my breath away_

_You're a supernova... and I'm a_

_xxxx_

She's made the decision that he's going to feel the pain that she's feeling. She's going to make him suffer uncontrollably. She's going to make him feel the burn, the sting, the fire; as the flame wavers and burns out. And that's why she lets go. It kills her; because she wanted to love him. She really did. But it wasn't in fates plan for either one of them. She wanted him to fight for her; to convince her that she's making a mistake. But instead he says sorry. For a guy that wants to be a writer, he doesn't seem to know the right words. Or maybe he just doesn't want to say them.

"Trade you my juice box for a bag of chips?" he offers lightheartedly, walking up behind her as she stares into space; pain and brokenness reflected across her face. Obviously he doesn't notice. But then again he never really knew her.

She doesn't say anything. She allows the silence to surround them as she stares straight ahead, the cold, hostile look on her face not faltering. She wasn't giving in. She wouldn't allow herself to do that. Not this time.

"I'll throw in a cookie," he offers.

"Peyton must really need chips," she whispers bitterly, pretending that this wasn't going to affect her. She wasn't letting her guard down around him. Not again.

Okay… how can I make this any more clear? There's nothing going on between me and Peyton."

"And there's going on between us either so why are you still here?" she questions coldly. She can't believe he even had the audacity to tell her she didn't fight for him the other night. All she did was fight for him. And he never returned the favor. Not once.

He proposes that they be friends but again she allows silence to speak for her. He sighs dejectedly before getting up and walking away. That seems to be an all too familiar action; him walking away. There's no fight in him. He's willing to fight for Peyton; but not for her. And she doesn't think he ever was.

Xxxx

Blue eyes meet hazel.

The familiarity that she once found in a sea of blue is gone. She doesn't miss the brokenness in his eyes; the pain. And she's happy. Because finally he understands what it's like to hurt; to have everything you once loved ripped away from you.

She clutches the red cup tighter, bringing it to her lips; those lips that he used to find solace in. She can see him watching her out of the corner of her eye and she hopes he hates himself for it; she hopes he hates himself for what he's done to her. Because no words can describe how much she hates him, for making her feel this way; for making her feel weak and powerless and alone. The liquid slides down her throat with ease, her gaze tearing away from his.

She's reverting back to her old ways. The old Brooke is slowly rearing her ugly head and rising from the place that she thought the old Brooke had been buried a long time ago. Apparently not. And the old Brooke has a lot of missed time to make up for.

"Brooke…" he breathes out, a desperate attempt to get through to her. Because even though she won't admit it, she needs him. But she can live without him; she can learn to let herself live without him again. She's done it for sixteen years.

She shakes her head, disappointment clouding her once familiar eyes. And she turns, her feet maneuvering her in the other direction; walking away from the past that still haunts her.

"Brooke, please…" he begs, grabbing her wrist and making her turn around to face him. "I need to talk to you."

"Go talk to Peyton," she answers bitterly, the animosity and the pain dripping from her tongue with every bitter word.

"That's not fair," he responds plainly, his eyes suddenly finding the floor amusing. She doesn't say anything; silence is the only thing that looms between them. "Please, Brooke? Can you just hear me out?"

"Make it quick," she hisses. He can see that she doesn't want to give in. She's fighting him.

"I miss us Brooke and I… I want us to be friends. I can't not have you in my life," he chokes out, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I need you as a friend…"

"Why so you can use me to fuck Peyton over?" she asks. It's a low blow, she knows that. But he had it coming and the look of confusion that twists across his face indicates that he simply has no idea what she means by that. "You seem to always want what you can't have…"

"Brooke that's not fair… you can't…"

"Leave me alone Lucas," she hisses. "We've never been able to be just friends. What the hell makes you think we can just start now?"

"It's worth a try…"

She shakes her head, gulping down the rest of the liquor in her cup and tossing it to the side carelessly. "If you ever loved me like you said you did, you'd let me go and leave me the hell alone."

With that she's gone; her figure clad in tight jeans, high heels, and a revealing shirt, disappearing through the doorway.

Xxxx

It hurts like hell. She's not going to deny that. It's been months and he's with Peyton now. But it still hurts. She can feel the hole in her heart growing wider as she watches them in the hallways at school and sees them hanging out on the river court. That used to be there place. And now it's him and Peyton's. They haven't spoken much since that night. He's been so absorbed in his new found love with Peyton that it's almost like he's forgotten about her; like she's just a long lost memory; one that doesn't invade his every thought anymore. And she misses having that power over him. She misses it like hell.

* * *

><p><em>I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon<em>

_And I'm aiming right at you_

_Right at you_

_250 thousand miles on a clear night in June_

_And I'm aiming right at you_

_Right at you_

_Right at you_

_xxxx_

She still loves him to some degree. She knows that. She'll never be able to let go of him fully; no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she doesn't believe in love; that it simply doesn't exist any longer. She feels so far away from him as she watches him and Peyton make out in the hallway. And she can't help but shake the feeling that that used to be them. She hates how much they've drifted apart because all she ever wanted was for him to fight for her; hell he could have even fought for their friendship. That would have meant a hell of a lot more to her than him refusing to fight at all.

"Hey B…"

She whips around anxiously to see Lucas standing before her, his precious Peyton retreating down the hallway.

"What?" she asks coldly, her defences and walls instantly flying up to protect her.

"Got a second?"

"Oh so now you wanna talk to me?"

"It's not like you've made any effort to talk to me…" he reasons, scratching the back of his neck.

"I didn't feel the need to. I mean you were in Peyton's arms what two months after we started broke up?"

"Come on Brooke, graduation is nearing and this is killing me. I can't just let you walk out of my life…"

"You've done it before."

"That's not the point Brooke," he responds sharply. "Look, we are adults now and we are going to be going our separate ways soon but you were such a huge part of my life and I don't want to lose you."

"You lost me a long time ago Lucas," she answers plainly. "Long before we even broke up."

And with that she's gone.

She doesn't need him. Because all he's ever done is cause her pain. And she's sick of feeling pain. She wants to feel something else. Something that's not built based upon a lie. Something that's real.

* * *

><p><em>And I would've done anything for you<em>

_To show you how much I adored you_

_But it's over now_

_It's too late to save our love_

_Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cause imma_

_xxxx_

They haven't spoken since that argument in the hallway; not even exchanged a single hello. She briefly dated Chase but that wasn't working out for her because he wanted more. And she knew she couldn't give it to him. She couldn't give him the love he deserved. So she let him go too.

It's graduation day. It should be one of the happiest days a person experiences in their life. But for her it's full of sadness and pain. It means that she has to leave behind the only world that she knows and enter the cold, harsh world of reality. She has to move on.

"Why is Brooke Davis looking so sad?"

"Hey Nate," she cracks a slight smile as the brunette that she's always considered an older brother slings an arm around her shoulder. "I'm not sad."

"Then why are there tears in your eyes?" he challenges. "Come on Brookie, I've known you for 13 years. What's wrong?"

"You're going to think I'm stupid."

"Brooke Davis is anything but stupid," he smiles, a sea of blue shining back at her.

"I just… I… high school was great for me. I knew who I was and I loved being the life of the party. And now I have to go out into the real world and I'm scared shitless. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know how to take care of myself…" she cries out, letting the tears fall freely and slide down her cheeks gently. "I wish I could stay like this forever and have all the answers to life's problems."

"Brooke," Nathan pleads, lifting her chin up so that her eyes meet his. "You have grown so much these past two years, you can do it. If anyone has the potential in this town to be great, it's you. You're strong as hell and you've been through a fucking lot of heartache but you're a fighter and I hate to see you lose that fight. And truth be told, none of us know what we are doing. I'm just as scared as you Brooke; I mean I'm a father for crying out loud. You've just got to go out there and make sense of this crazy, fucked up thing called life. It's all you can do, really."

"Thanks Nate…" she smiles, leaning over and embracing him in a hug.

"I'm here for you Brooke… always. And so is Haley. If you ever need anything don't hesitate to call us or stop by."

"I love you Nate," she smiles, letting go of the boy that she's grown up with since she was a young child. "And I'm gonna miss you."

"And I love you too Brooke Davis," he grins back. "And I'm gonna miss you like hell but you have to promise not to be a stranger and always keep in contact with Haley and I."

"I promise," she nodded, looping her pinkie through Nathan's. "Now go find that wife of yours. She's probably up to no good."

"Hey…"

As Nathan left in search of Haley, a new person had made their way towards Brooke.

"Lucas," she nods curtly. "What can I do for you?"

"I want to show you something," he responds, cautiously pulling out a small book from the inside of his jacket.

"What is that?" she asks curiously. Truth is, this was the only rational conversation they'd had since the breakup, months ago.

"It's the book I've been writing for the better part of our senior year," he tells her, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He pulls a bookmark from the page and holds the opened book out to her. "I want you to read this passage please."

She nods slowly, but unsurely. This better had not be another indecisive and reckless choice of his.

Brooke Davis. She was fiercely independent; beautiful, brilliant, and brave. In two years, she had grown more than anyone I've ever known. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday and I'm not sure she even knows it. She's already changed mine.

"Lucas…" she looks up at him with teary eyes, handing the book back to him with shaky hands.

"I meant every word of it Brooke. I know that you probably hate me right now and I don't blame you at all. Not for a second. But I did want you to know that you did have an extremely significant impact on my life; you had an impact on everyone's life. You were the glue that held our crazy dysfunctional group together. Without you, we wouldn't be where we are today; who we are today. So I want to thank you for everything you've done for me and for everyone else. You're an amazing person Brooke Davis and you have so much potential. It's just too bad that you can't see it yourself."

"Wow… I… um…" For once Brooke Davis was at a loss for words.

"Goodbye Brooke Davis. I'm gonna miss you," he whispers into her ear, brushing his lips across her cheek. And then he turns, shoves his hands in his pockets, and begins to walk away.

"Hey Lucas!" she shouts after him.

"Yeah?" He turns around expectantly.

"Thank you," she whispers. "For everything; without you I wouldn't be the strong person that I am today."

He simply nods before turning back and heading towards Peyton; his future and away from Brooke; his past.

* * *

><p><em>I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon<em>

_And I'm aiming right at you_

_Right at you_

_250 thousand miles on a clear night in June_

_And I'm so lost without you_

_Without you_

_Without you_

_xxxx_

She hasn't been back to Tree Hill in four years. She's spoken to Nathan and Haley and they've visited her numerous times in New York but she hasn't found the courage to return to the town that made her who she is; that left a deep imprint on her heart. She isn't ready to face her demons just yet.

She slowly fingers the envelop, recognizing the familiar handwriting and she wonders what the hell Peyton Sawyer wants from her after four years of silence.

She slowly lifts the paper from the envelope. As her eyes travel down the page; her biggest fear is confirmed. It was always Peyton. She just the footnote; the distraction; the roadblock standing in the way of an epic love story.

She was holding an invitation to the wedding of Peyton Sawyer and Lucas Scott; next Saturday in Tree Hill. She finds a small piece of paper enclosed in the envelope and unfolds it carefully.

She finds herself simply staring back at the words, "You made a promise to me years ago that we'd be each other's' maid of honors. I understand if it's too hard for you or if you don't even want to attend the ceremony at all but you were like my sister Brooke and I could never replace you, so the offer is still open. Love, P. Sawyer".

She doesn't know what to feel. She feels anger, hurt, confusion, pain, regret, and above all nostalgia. Because she simply hasn't let go of the past yet. It's been four years and she's still stuck in high school. She wishes every day that she could escape this life of fortune and fame to return to the simpler days when life was easy. Compared to the real word; the pain she'd felt in high school was nothing. The absence and the emptiness that lingers in her heart; the void that longs to be filled with love, grows wider with each passing day.

XXXX

She lifts her hand slowly, before letting her knuckles drop to the hard wood that encases the oak door. She breathes out a deep sigh before she's invited in.

Slowly, she pushes the door open.

Standing before her, looking handsome in his tux, is Lucas Scott.

"Brooke…" he looks down. "I didn't think you'd show."

"To be honest, I didn't think I would either."

"It's great to see you again," he offers, stepping forward and engulfing her in a hug. "God, I missed you."

She nods. "Lucas, there's a reason I'm here."

"Okay…"

"I still love you," she blurts out and she can see the shock crawl across his face.

"Brooke… I…"

"You love Peyton, I know. And I've accepted that. I just… I had to come here because I needed closure. I feel like watching you finally move on and commit yourself to someone else indefinitely will allow me to move on."

"Brooke, I'm sorry," he apologizes, taking a step towards her. "I know that I hurt you in the past; maybe more than I can even imagine. And I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry. My indecisiveness cost me one of the greatest friendships I've ever known."

"We all make mistakes," she responds quietly. "I'm no stranger to them either. But that was high school. I've been doing some reflecting back on my life and we've got to let go. We have to let go of high school because it's over and this is our life now."

He nods in agreement before glancing up at the clock. "Shit, it's almost time for me to go."

"Lucas…" she looks up at him with questioning eyes. "Before I go, there's one last thing I have to ask you."

"Sure…"

"Did you ever love me?"

"Of course I loved you Brooke," he responds automatically. "You know that."

"No," she shakes her head, brunette curls falling into her face. "You said you loved me and you tried to convince yourself that you loved me but did you ever actually, truly love me. Please, just be honest with me. I need to know the truth."

He steps forward and cups her face in his hands. "I loved you Brooke. God, I loved you so much. More than you'll ever know. And I don't ever want you to question that. You meant the world to me and I took it for granted. It just sucks that it took me so long to realize it. I love Peyton now and she's my future but I did love you Brooke and you're my past; my past that has shaped me into the man that I am today."

"The history between us is always gonna be there isn't it?"

He nods slowly. "Yeah, it is. No matter how hard we try to ignore it or push it aside, the love that we shared will always be there. And in part, there will always be a place in my heart that belongs to you. And nobody can take it. Not even Peyton."

"Well I should get going," she whispers, checking the time. "Good luck Lucas."

"Hey Brooke…" he asks as she reaches for the door, pulling it open.

"Yeah?" she turns around.

"Do you think we could ever you know… be friends."

"Maybe," she nods, a small smile gracing her lips. "Maybe someday."

With that she sends him a small smile before slipping out the door and preparing to watch as the one thing she still held onto was set free from her heart. She knows that they'll never work out as friends. They never have. And despite the fact that she's moving on today, she can't help but feel lost without him. And she hates him for making her feel that way; for making her incapable of loving someone. He damaged her.

* * *

><p>AN: So, I know that you probably all hate me right now because I haven't updated my stories in like forever and I shouldn't be writing a one shot but I needed a break from this insane studying for finals in order to clear my head and this came to me while I was listening to the song. The song is "space bound" by Eminem and in part it made me think of Brucas. Of course not the whole song, which is why I cut parts of it out to fit the story. I promise that I will have updates by the new year in my other stories but for now I have to focus on my finals. College is totally kicking my ass right now and I wouldn't be getting A's if I spent my time updating my stories. I do apologize for this but I need to focus on getting good grades. You'll also be happy to know that I am moving home from college in the middle of December until next fall. I've switched programs and won't be starting my social work program till next fall. So that will give me lots of time to update. But in the meantime, please review and let me know what you think of this little oneshot. It's sort of AUish.<p> 


End file.
